Change is hard. As adults, we have fancy concepts like “stress management” and “tension relief” to help guide us through our transitions. A new job, a new home, a new spouse—these are all life events that can evoke strong emotions in even the most well-adjusted adult.
Now imagine being 4 years old. You don’t have the words to express how starting preschool feels. Even if you had the words, you wouldn’t understand all the angst you are feeling. Instead, you throw a toy truck at your mom or a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store.
If you are a parent of a young child, dramatic changes in your child’s behavior can cause stress. Before issuing a time-out (or perhaps during it), take time to consider if there are any big changes to your child’s routine that could be the root cause of the problem. Especially at this time of year: going back-to-school, being new to school, starting a new daycare program, or even just a schedule shift at home can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress, and fear in children.
How children react to change
Behavioral responses to transition can come in many different forms and can start before the transition, during, and even after for weeks or months. New environments will include different and increased structure along with expectations for cognitive, behavioral, and social learning. Children often react to these changes with feelings of anxiety, anger, or simple exhaustion. Tara O’Leary, Ph.D., a pediatric neuropsychologist with a private practice in Arlington, said, “Children will often ‘hold it together’ in school and then save the response to these expectations and resulting emotions for the safety of home. They will manifest through a variety of behaviors, including crankiness, crying easily, temper tantrums, increased clinginess or neediness, trouble falling asleep or night waking, not sharing with siblings, being unkind to siblings, ‘mouthing off’ or being defiant to parents, and even more overt anxiety-related behaviors (e.g., repetitive behavior or thoughts, clinging to familiarity and not wanting to try new things, etc.).”
So how should a parent respond to these often frustrating behaviors? First, O’Leary recommends taking a deep breath and reminding yourself that these behaviors are normal and temporary. If your child’s transition is approaching in the near future, it is important that you not show any of your own negative emotions toward the change. Read books about the upcoming transition with your child. The Harvard Public Library children’s room has numerous books on topics such as starting school, going to daycare, having a sibling leave for school, and more that will help your child understand what is about to happen. Increase your child’s familiarity with the change by visiting the new school or care facility and meeting the teachers. Talk about your own experiences and how you felt when you went through the same transition. Find friends: ask for a class roster or a list of parents willing to meet for playdates. The Harvard Family Association, a social organization for families in town with children younger than 6, is a great resource for making connections with other kids who will be transitioning with yours for years to come. As a final pre-transition exercise, gear up with your child by shopping for the appropriate supplies he or she will need in the new environment.
Once the transition has taken place, it would seem the worst is over, but that isn’t always the case. “Continue to talk with your children about any fears they may have, as well as the positive aspects of their new classroom. Acknowledge and validate (versus dismissing or minimizing) their feelings while also reassuring them that things often get better as they settle into the new routine,” said O’Leary.
Helping your child
Role-playing is a powerful way to help children work through their emotions and make sense of their new day-to-day activities. It may mean countless hours of “playing school” for you, but that’s a great way to help your child process specific issues. Additionally, O’Leary recommends the following:
- Become storytellers—have your child make up a story about an issue he or she is having in which he or she is the hero
- Make friendly connections outside the classroom; schedule playdates with friends of your child from school or daycare
- Develop and stick to a consistent and predictable routine
- Don’t overschedule your child; be sure you provide down-time
- Ensure your child is getting enough sleep (11 to 12 hours per night is recommended for young children)
- Teach your child some relaxation exercises that he or she can use before bed or even while in school (Books to consider on this topic: “Sitting Still Like a Frog: Mindfulness Exercises for Kids” by Eline Snel and “A Boy and Bear: The Children’s Relaxation Book” by Lori Lite, both available from Amazon)
While times of transition can take an emotional toll on the whole family, alleviating the stress for the child will often do the same for the parent. Talk with friends about ways they help their children cope. Attend story hours at the library; join the Harvard Family Association; get your child involved in town soccer, or sit down for a snack at the General Store. There are so many great resources to which families in Harvard can connect.
The beauty of living in a smaller town is that transitions can be much easier for children who are already familiar with the places and people they will be interacting with at each developmental milestone.
Julie Gowel is president of the Harvard Family Association
