In an effort to keep up with its stores in other parts of the country and to make more money for its parent company—what goals could be more admirable?—Whole Foods wants permission to serve beer and wine to customers while they shop at the chain’s Sudbury location. In a recent appearance before Sudbury’s Board of Selectmen, an attorney representing Whole Foods said, “The option of imbibing while picking up groceries is an appealing amenity.” He implies the rhetorical question, “Why wouldn’t you want an adult beverage as you patronize your upscale Whole Foods market?”
It seems like a no-brainer for Sudbury. There are many ways in which drinking would elevate the mundane task of grocery shopping to a more civilized level. First, for the retired woman who sends her retired husband to the grocery store to have a few moments to herself, think of how much longer he will now be out of her hair. Not only will it take longer to drink while shopping, but with a beer in one hand and the grocery list in the other, a husband won’t be able to bring home all those items that were never on the list. For the spouses who get a text on the way home from work with “just a couple of things” to pick up from the store, rather than arriving home still swearing at traffic, they’ll arrive buzzed and pleasant. Yes, imbibing while shopping for groceries will automatically lead to fewer divorces.
For the stay-at-home mom, shopping will become a social event rather than a lonely journey. She can arrange to meet friends at the store and they can stroll up and down the aisles with their glasses of chardonnay, sharing recipes, trading gossip. Carried away with the conviviality of the experience, they will soon be burning their grocery lists and buying in aisles wherever the wine leads them. And for the career woman, frazzled by her busy schedule, any opportunity for multi-tasking is always welcome.
Soon the store could provide a sommelier for each aisle so the busy cook knows what to pair with what. Merlot would be served in the pasta aisle, sauvignon blanc in the dairy aisle, and pinot grigio in the canned vegetables aisle. Bringing a baby in a carrier seat into the store will now be helpful so that a shopper, inspired by an item on an upper shelf, can safely tuck in the stem of a wine glass next to the baby while reaching for the product.
For every teenager comes that milestone: the first solo trip in the family car. For years the traditional destination has been the grocery store. Even while she fretted and pictured mangled steel and blood, a mother was delighted to finally send her kid to do an errand. The supermarket has not been a high-ranking destination for the newly independent, but now that will change. For one thing, it will be a low-threat place to try out the fake ID, preferably organic. If that doesn’t work, there’s the possibility of getting an older person to get two beers—but not, of course, a friend of one’s parents. A teen can always get a bunch of friends to arrive at the store at the same time—even the most conscientious server is intimidated by a bunch of terrifying teenagers. Especially in Whole Foods.
People will need to be extra cautious with their grocery carts; they can’t let an adult beverage impair their navigation. Signs will be posted: “Keep in your lane of the aisle.” “No sudden stops.” “Uies forbidden.” A collision could mean a SUI citation, which would result in banishment from the store or mandatory attendance at a SUI course, learning shopping and drinking in moderation.
Being a greeter at Whole Foods could become a volunteer opportunity. Dressed in an apron with a picture of a whole food and a whole bottle of wine, one would smile and get to say, “Welcome to Whole Foods, where shopping is an alcoholic experience.”
If Whole Foods gets a pouring license through Sudbury’s town meeting and approval by the Legislature as a home-rule petition, the company should be required to provide some regulations—even though such things are increasingly unpopular in our current society. People should shop in pairs or carloads so there can be a “designated shopper.” And all shoppers will be urged to attach the bumper sticker: “Friends don’t let friends shop drunk.”
