Newspaper troubleshooting guide

Problem	Possible Cause	Solution
Hard to read	Smeared ink Italics Big words	Get another copy Tilt page the other direction Purchase dictionary. Order children’s edition.
Reception is poor	Newspaper is not a television Antenna not fully extended	Buy a television. Fully extend antenna.
Do not understand “antenna”	You are British	Substitute “aerial.”
Do not understand “aerial”	You are American	Beat England in a war; change word to “antenna.”
Paper cuts on hands	You are extremely clumsy	Ballet lessons. Wear mittens.
Unable to turn pages	You are wearing mittens	Don’t wear mittens.
Material seems familiar	Plagiarism	Read less.
Cannot read	You are a child raised on the dumbed down pablum of the Internet age.	For an EZ solution, set a text to 88FIXIT. You will be billed $2,900 and rebilled every month thereafter. Don’t tell your parents.
Have not read this far	Short attention span	Please turn to page—oh, why bother?
Lots of typograthical erros	Typesetter wearing mittens to avoid paper cuts	Lower expectations.
Strange smell of sheep	Due to typos, typesetter wearing mutton to avoid paper cuts	No solution.