As an Irish-Aztec American raised in a home of strict space-kitten pantheism, I’d like to offer a simple suggestion to solve the question of religious holidays in the schools.
If we only recognize the religious holidays of a few top-10 religions, the rest of us will clearly feel spurned. In the name of fairness we must make sure that everyone feels equally insulted, and we can do this by simply canceling all religious holidays.
Let’s take the “holy” out of holidays and make our vacations represent some grand ideas that, rather than divide us, can bring us all together.
Following are a few actual events that we should use to replace our existing controversial religious holidays.
National Bathtub Safety Day: You can’t be against this! All religions recommend at least occasional bathing, and where better to do it than in a tub made just for the event? And how better than safely! Greeting cards could repurpose old-fashioned cherubs left over from some quashed Christian holiday as merely cute babies scrubbing up! (Photoshop may be required for the appropriate “multi-cultural” look). Surely it won’t be long ’til we’re all singing, “Have Yourself a Merry Little National Bathtub Safety Day”!
National Kazoo Day: Like the gifts of three wise men, the kazoo brings us gifts, but ones that aren’t religious. Its body, of tin, reminds us to be pliable, yet strong. Its color, of gold, reminds us to be generous. Its sound, like a strangled peahen, reminds us to never strangle a peahen. Celebrate this joyous day with any of the traditional songs, like, “All I Want for National Kazoo Day is a New Tissue Paper Resonator.”
Thorrablot: You can call them Vikings but don’t call their midwinter feast religious—unless you like raping and pillaging! Just because you’re not Scandinavian doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the traditional singing, dancing, and, especially, the feasting on seal flippers and half-boiled lamb’s heads! And believe me, nothing will make you want a day off school more than eating a half-boiled lamb’s head the day before.
These are just a few ideas. Let’s let the kids have their holidays. But rather than having to respect each other’s traditions, please, in the name of Fill-in-the-Blank, let’s just use the new ones.
Danno Sullivan
Littleton Road
