Is it possible to write 600 words about square bagels? This was the question I pondered upon leaving the “lunch club” I frequent on Saturdays, a group of regulars once described by a visiting guest as “irreverent.” The turkey sandwich that accompanied me to the most recent gathering instigated more questions than answers about the unintuitively shaped bread item I’d selected that day. “Is that one of those square bagels?” our hostess asked. Alas, it was. Bargain hunter that I am, I had stumbled upon the creation at my local supermarket, found the item on sale (I’m a sucker for “on sale”), and bought two bags. Into the freezer they went to await the next sandwich opportunity. Upon its debut, my dining companions launched into a lively discussion about whether or not this constituted a “real” bagel.
Wikipedia claims that the bagel originated in Central Europe, probably in Poland. A 1610 document from Kraków references “beygls” given as a gift to women in childbirth. These may be what are now known as bagels, or may be something related to the word for stirrup (beugal)—or it may refer to something else whose meaning is totally lost. What seemed a logical source of definitive answers about whether or not I was, in fact, eating a real bagel, was proving somewhat fruitless (don’t get me started on the blueberry bagel). Wikipedia goes on to speculate that the bagel actually originated in Vienna when a local Jewish baker created them as a gift for a king who kicked the cream cheese out of the Turks. The baked good was fashioned in the form of a stirrup (aha!) to commemorate the victorious cavalry charge. None of this was helping me.
A Jewish friend asserted that H&H Bagels, in Manhattan, was the source for real bagels, so I checked out their web site. They corroborated the stirrup reference, and then went on to talk about “true bagels” being kettled in boiling water before baking. I knew this about bagels, but now I learned why: doing so “gelatinizes the gluten in the dough mass, sealing the surface, and thereby retaining the full flavor of the recipe during a slow baking.” Was my square bagel kettled? I didn’t know, and not knowing would prohibit me from arguing confidently at next week’s lunch club (potentially degrading the irreverence factor).
I searched the website, but nothing there described their square bagel cooking process. (I was able to determine whether or not a specific Thomas’ product was delivered to my local market within the last three days—how cool is that?!). I noticed that they refer to their product as “Squares Bagelbread” and wondered if this was a clever way of preempting inevitable jeers from the bagel purists who would almost certainly raise the authenticity question. I emailed my query to their customer service department, but I don’t know where my question will fall in their surely sophisticated prioritization. In the meantime, I tried Googling “square bagel” and was amazed (okay, not really) to find countless bloggers passionately arguing its virtues and defects, and I even (truly amazing) found a YouTube video of a standup comedian viciously mocking a fast-food chain’s “Squagel” offering.
I suspect the square bagels I bought were not kettled, as they did not have that glossy, shellacked look that is the hallmark trait that bagel devotees look for in their quest for the quintessential snack. But I was wrong. Just before this column went to press, I received a call from the Thomas’ people, indicating that the square bagels were, in fact, boiled before baking. And if they weren’t, I would still have deemed them functional and quite satisfying (both white and whole wheat), and I will buy them again. Even if they’re not on sale.
The Food Whisperer is Shaker Road resident Mark Mikitarian.
